Reasons to celebrate being a single person

I really, really do enjoy being a single person(now I do, anyway ) but sometimes it's good to reflect upon why...

No more being yelled at for not being able to read a map.
We are women, are expected to cook, clean, nurture, give birth and put up with your whiney shit when you get lost. You're men, and we expect you to be able to navigate. If you yell at us because 'we're stupid' and it's 'common sense' and we're quietly seething in the passenger seat it means you're being an arse hole and we want to beat you senseless with the refidex.

No more man cuisine
Putting three condiments on it doesn't make it a meal.

Goodbye, uncomfortable lace panties. Hello, comfy bondsies !
Okay, so the number one benefit of nobody seeing your panties is that they don't need to be matchy, expensive, or highly elasticated ! Wee ! My first official single day saw me leaving the house footloose and fancy free wearing totally miss matching brown bra and sad blue cotton boy legs. Hurrah! Crappo undies need not be saved just for washing day !!!

No more staying awake at night
I can sleep horizontally, upside down or completely in the middle of my bed and not lose sleep wondering if I'm going to fall off my side of the bed because my boyfriend is a bed hog. Hanging on to the bed for dear life with your right butt cheek is not my idea of a romantic evening. Also, to hell with sleeping with my mouth closed and breathing through my nose like sleeping beauty to avoid dragon breath and looking like something out of the exorcist in case boyfriend wakes up first.

You can flirt shamelessly with the cute boys at the bottleshop
and not be worried about being struck down by a big ass bolt of lightning!

You can cultivate a lady garden !
This doesn't need much more explaination really...unless you plan on flashing your 'Britney' around, give it a well earned break from holidaying in Brazil. I'm not a beauty therapist anymore, so I can say that. Haha. While this may not appeal to most people, why the hell not just grow your leg hair so long that it sticks through your stockings and you have to wear pants to work every day....

Parsely, pesto, garlic.... I laugh in your face ! Bah hahaha!
If it's hanging in my teeth, I can totally live with that. I no longer live in fear of tabouleh, pesto, or any sort of green fiddly garnish! Woo !

No more snoring !!!!!!
Well, that's not entirely true, but I can't hear myself snoring ! The type of snoring I am referring to is that post- beer snoring that is so fierce you have to hang onto the doona for fear of being sucked into that big hole where the beer smell is coming from...


No more shitty sport on my telly !
Cricket? Meh! Tennis? Pfft! Effing monster trucks !!!!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to people playing soccer...or attending the odd game here or there, I would just appreciate not having to hear anything about it! I don't give a flying fart about the scores, and I had given up even looking vaguely interested when sport was mentioned, and even started skipping past the channels containing sport on foxtel and pretending I didn't see the monster trucks or the surfing... I have a gym at my house yeah, but that doesn't mean I use it for anything other than to hang my handbag on. Has anybody been forced to watch sport for hours on end while your boyfriend comandeered the remote? All I want to do is watch Will and Grace....and now I can !!

No more incessant and unneccesary use of the 'c' word in my prescence !
This needs nothing further added to it.

No more looking interested when talking about v8
As far as I'm concerned, this is a type of vegetable juice....