I'm still not entirely sure if I've gotten over the trauma of this, but I will do my best to explain how it went down.
Okay, so when I moved to the GC at the beginning of the year, my 'best friend'
(I use the term loosely when talking about this guy, because she actually dated him herself and shows absolutely no remorse for hooking the two of us up. I think it's because she hates me, but that's another story entirely) offered to set me up with a guy friend of hers because she thought we'd get along really well. I was in the market for some new guy friends and apparently he was keen to show me around.
So we exchanged email addresses etc and got to chatting on msn.
After about 2 months of some really great chatty chats online, we decided to meet up and
have coffee. He kept saying 'next weekend, babe' blah blah. Whatever, totally not into me, but that's fine. I was a bit miffed really, because we got along really well and I thought we'd be mates. Anyway, one night, while riding home from the pub on his pushie, he decides it's definitely the time to meet. 100%. Can't change his mind, is on the way to my house right now ('where do you live, exactly?!').
It was midnight, I just got home from a night shift and I really couldn't be arsed, but I figured, why the hell not ?! Because I didn't care too much, I just rolled out of bed, put on a singlet and some ripped of levis that my arse hangs out of and went out the front to meet him. That is me not caring, and I thought that was the best way to meet somebody who obviously wasn't into me and who I obviously wasn't into (If I was interested there is no way in hell that I would have worn pants that make my thighs look like that).
I said we had to sit on my letterbox because my housemate was asleep and he said ooooooookay. Anyway, I'm just chitty chatting as I do, asking him about work and discussing with him the upcoming Krudd stimulus payments and how I planned on stimulating the economy. I was in the middle of talking about how I should pay off my credit cards, but in all reality was going to end up buying new shoes when he started rubbing my shoulders. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird. I was like, okay, and kept talking because when I'm uncomfortable I chat....and getting a massage from a person who I only met like 5 minutes ago totally makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, I'm still talking about shoes when he turns my head around and attempts to pash me in a Mills and Boon like fashion. My body was facing one way and my head the other, so it wasn't exactly the most passionate position. The next part prompted me to invent the term 'face rape'. It's a bit hard to object to something when somebody has their entire tongue down your throat and is somehow managing to cover the rest of your head, neck and torso with saliva. As quickly as the pash attack began, it stopped. And normal conversation continued....for another 30 seconds at least anyway. Then it was on for young and old, and everybody, apparently, except me. It wasn't doing anything for me, but I couldn't SAY anything, or even back away (because I was perched on my letterbox!). I started compiling a shopping list in my head. I started wondering where that coral headscarf I once had got to. I wondered what time I could get in to the nail lady the next day. This was possibly the worst pash of my life. I didn't think it got much worse than the first and last kiss I had with a boyfriend in year 11 who slobbered into my mouth in such a horrid fashion that I backed away from him and fell into a bin in front of the entire junior school. Bad. Very bad. The worst part was that he left me there with my arse in the bin and didn't help me up. Ha ! Worse than that. IMAGINE ?!
I was pretty stunned for most of this entire ordeal....and when he came up for air I managed to say 'What the HELL was that ?! Was I not just talking about stimulating the economy?!' which he answered with another full on pashola which was a scary mix of intense sucking, licking, slobbering, and normal kissing.
Anyway, the kissing continued for quite some time, and I must say I wasn't so much kissing back as trying to remove his tongue from my mouth with my own tongue.... Then it started getting a little more than PG 13. On my letterbox ! At midnight ! Directly under the street light. Now is NOT the time to try and get the girls out, buddy !! The neighbours ! OH GOD, THE NEIGHBOURS! When I thought it couldn't get any worse, he started to dry hump, I repeat: dry hump my leg. MY LEG ! On my letterbox! At midnight !!! Under the street light !
Oh well this was all a bit too much for me. After he panted 'can I come in, babe' I thought it best to take his pashing as a sign that baby making was out of the question, and thanked myself for being a lazy hoe and not cleaning my room for months. I made my excuses....and off he rode on his pushbike. Random. Never to be repeated. Ever.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Reasons to celebrate being a single person
I really, really do enjoy being a single person(now I do, anyway ) but sometimes it's good to reflect upon why...
No more being yelled at for not being able to read a map.
We are women, are expected to cook, clean, nurture, give birth and put up with your whiney shit when you get lost. You're men, and we expect you to be able to navigate. If you yell at us because 'we're stupid' and it's 'common sense' and we're quietly seething in the passenger seat it means you're being an arse hole and we want to beat you senseless with the refidex.
No more man cuisine
Putting three condiments on it doesn't make it a meal.
Goodbye, uncomfortable lace panties. Hello, comfy bondsies !
Okay, so the number one benefit of nobody seeing your panties is that they don't need to be matchy, expensive, or highly elasticated ! Wee ! My first official single day saw me leaving the house footloose and fancy free wearing totally miss matching brown bra and sad blue cotton boy legs. Hurrah! Crappo undies need not be saved just for washing day !!!
No more staying awake at night
I can sleep horizontally, upside down or completely in the middle of my bed and not lose sleep wondering if I'm going to fall off my side of the bed because my boyfriend is a bed hog. Hanging on to the bed for dear life with your right butt cheek is not my idea of a romantic evening. Also, to hell with sleeping with my mouth closed and breathing through my nose like sleeping beauty to avoid dragon breath and looking like something out of the exorcist in case boyfriend wakes up first.
You can flirt shamelessly with the cute boys at the bottleshop
and not be worried about being struck down by a big ass bolt of lightning!
You can cultivate a lady garden !
This doesn't need much more explaination really...unless you plan on flashing your 'Britney' around, give it a well earned break from holidaying in Brazil. I'm not a beauty therapist anymore, so I can say that. Haha. While this may not appeal to most people, why the hell not just grow your leg hair so long that it sticks through your stockings and you have to wear pants to work every day....
Parsely, pesto, garlic.... I laugh in your face ! Bah hahaha!
If it's hanging in my teeth, I can totally live with that. I no longer live in fear of tabouleh, pesto, or any sort of green fiddly garnish! Woo !
No more snoring !!!!!!
Well, that's not entirely true, but I can't hear myself snoring ! The type of snoring I am referring to is that post- beer snoring that is so fierce you have to hang onto the doona for fear of being sucked into that big hole where the beer smell is coming from...
No more shitty sport on my telly !
Cricket? Meh! Tennis? Pfft! Effing monster trucks !!!!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to people playing soccer...or attending the odd game here or there, I would just appreciate not having to hear anything about it! I don't give a flying fart about the scores, and I had given up even looking vaguely interested when sport was mentioned, and even started skipping past the channels containing sport on foxtel and pretending I didn't see the monster trucks or the surfing... I have a gym at my house yeah, but that doesn't mean I use it for anything other than to hang my handbag on. Has anybody been forced to watch sport for hours on end while your boyfriend comandeered the remote? All I want to do is watch Will and Grace....and now I can !!
No more incessant and unneccesary use of the 'c' word in my prescence !
This needs nothing further added to it.
No more looking interested when talking about v8
As far as I'm concerned, this is a type of vegetable juice....
No more being yelled at for not being able to read a map.
We are women, are expected to cook, clean, nurture, give birth and put up with your whiney shit when you get lost. You're men, and we expect you to be able to navigate. If you yell at us because 'we're stupid' and it's 'common sense' and we're quietly seething in the passenger seat it means you're being an arse hole and we want to beat you senseless with the refidex.
No more man cuisine
Putting three condiments on it doesn't make it a meal.
Goodbye, uncomfortable lace panties. Hello, comfy bondsies !
Okay, so the number one benefit of nobody seeing your panties is that they don't need to be matchy, expensive, or highly elasticated ! Wee ! My first official single day saw me leaving the house footloose and fancy free wearing totally miss matching brown bra and sad blue cotton boy legs. Hurrah! Crappo undies need not be saved just for washing day !!!
No more staying awake at night
I can sleep horizontally, upside down or completely in the middle of my bed and not lose sleep wondering if I'm going to fall off my side of the bed because my boyfriend is a bed hog. Hanging on to the bed for dear life with your right butt cheek is not my idea of a romantic evening. Also, to hell with sleeping with my mouth closed and breathing through my nose like sleeping beauty to avoid dragon breath and looking like something out of the exorcist in case boyfriend wakes up first.
You can flirt shamelessly with the cute boys at the bottleshop
and not be worried about being struck down by a big ass bolt of lightning!
You can cultivate a lady garden !
This doesn't need much more explaination really...unless you plan on flashing your 'Britney' around, give it a well earned break from holidaying in Brazil. I'm not a beauty therapist anymore, so I can say that. Haha. While this may not appeal to most people, why the hell not just grow your leg hair so long that it sticks through your stockings and you have to wear pants to work every day....
Parsely, pesto, garlic.... I laugh in your face ! Bah hahaha!
If it's hanging in my teeth, I can totally live with that. I no longer live in fear of tabouleh, pesto, or any sort of green fiddly garnish! Woo !
No more snoring !!!!!!
Well, that's not entirely true, but I can't hear myself snoring ! The type of snoring I am referring to is that post- beer snoring that is so fierce you have to hang onto the doona for fear of being sucked into that big hole where the beer smell is coming from...
No more shitty sport on my telly !
Cricket? Meh! Tennis? Pfft! Effing monster trucks !!!!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to people playing soccer...or attending the odd game here or there, I would just appreciate not having to hear anything about it! I don't give a flying fart about the scores, and I had given up even looking vaguely interested when sport was mentioned, and even started skipping past the channels containing sport on foxtel and pretending I didn't see the monster trucks or the surfing... I have a gym at my house yeah, but that doesn't mean I use it for anything other than to hang my handbag on. Has anybody been forced to watch sport for hours on end while your boyfriend comandeered the remote? All I want to do is watch Will and Grace....and now I can !!
No more incessant and unneccesary use of the 'c' word in my prescence !
This needs nothing further added to it.
No more looking interested when talking about v8
As far as I'm concerned, this is a type of vegetable juice....
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Losing my blog virginity
Ooooh so here we go !
This year I've found myself single, footloose and fancy free...living in a new place and experiencing lots of new things and meeting new people....but unfortunately there is a 6 foot something chunk of my past who keeps popping back up, long after the last nail was belted into the relationship coffin. Sooo....
rather than repeatedly making ex-boyfriend related 'whoopsies', I have decided to use my love of writing and ranting (and the spare time I will now have so much of) to create an online catalogue of the events of my life to share with others.
Be warned that it may become saddy at times, but hopefully my disasters will be 'wee a little in your pants' funny...oh and don't forget the course language and rude bits !
Welcome to the life of Ezz... love and anything else that could possibly go wrong from my latest rice paper roll disaster of epic proportions at dinner time, to the perhaps less significant 'I have a terminal case of being in love with my ex boyfriend even though I thought I was in remission' debacle....it's all happening here, people ! Haha. :)
This year I've found myself single, footloose and fancy free...living in a new place and experiencing lots of new things and meeting new people....but unfortunately there is a 6 foot something chunk of my past who keeps popping back up, long after the last nail was belted into the relationship coffin. Sooo....
rather than repeatedly making ex-boyfriend related 'whoopsies', I have decided to use my love of writing and ranting (and the spare time I will now have so much of) to create an online catalogue of the events of my life to share with others.
Be warned that it may become saddy at times, but hopefully my disasters will be 'wee a little in your pants' funny...oh and don't forget the course language and rude bits !
Welcome to the life of Ezz... love and anything else that could possibly go wrong from my latest rice paper roll disaster of epic proportions at dinner time, to the perhaps less significant 'I have a terminal case of being in love with my ex boyfriend even though I thought I was in remission' debacle....it's all happening here, people ! Haha. :)
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